


Wookie Life Day

by Cassiopaya



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: "Skittles", Correlian Brandy, Dopheld Mitaka celebrates Life Day, Dopheld Mitaka does inappropriate things to hapless cleaning droids, F/F, F/M, Freaky Friday Crack Fic, I have no real plan, I'm ruining Wookie Life Day, Keep the wroshyr tree in Wookie Life Day, Kylo Ren is going to look at the boobies, M/M, Millicent the Cat approves, Mitaka gets all Seinfeld on the Knights of Ren, Mitaka is the Finalizer's mom, Multi, Other, Rey is going to seduce General Hux as Matt the Radar Technician, Rey teaches Kylo Ren about the clitoris, The Agony of Tarkin is mentioned, The Force Bond causes Rey and Kylo to switch bodies, This is crack, Voyeurism, Wookie Nog is a thing, Wookies Life day comes once every three years, because I said so, carise sindian from Bloodlines is mentioned, even though it is frowned on in the First Order, great-grandma's jellied cranberry sauce, innappropriate use of the orga plant, may cause vomiting if its the only thing you ingest for 48 hours, no one complains once they have tasted his roasted bantha rump, winter solstice vs harvest festival
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-09-11
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:28:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7730368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassiopaya/pseuds/Cassiopaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey is invited from her training with Luke to Kashyyyk to join Chewbacca's honor family during Life Day celebrations.  It's the best ever, until the little bit of orga she chews happens to be the last Chewie has from the same root he shared with Han Solo, Leia Organa, and eventually Ben.  The combination of orga root and the Force Bond on Wookie Life Day causes Rey and Kylo to switch bodies.  HILARITY ENSUES.  This is a crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter the First

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alania](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alania/gifts).



> I'll update the tags when needed, okkie-dokkie?

The Millennium Falcon hurtled through hyperspace towards Kashyyyk; it was the first time Rey had left the island world of Ach-To since her training began.  Chewie was pilot while Rey co-piloted.  Master Luke was with them, brooding with R2 in the living quarters of the YT freighter.  It was the first time he had set foot on the Falcon without Han. 

Despite this, Rey was excited, tomorrow she would celebrate Life Day for the first time and officially join Chewbacca’s honor family.  Maz was right: the belonging she sought was ahead of her.

Chewie yodeled their approach and they dropped out of hyperspace.  Rey ogled at the rich biodiversity of Kashyyyk.  Soon the Falcon was slipping through the atmosphere and skimming the trees towards a clearing.  Their descent was gentle and Chewbacca touched the Falcon down with a feather-light landing.

A large party was waiting for them at the edge of the forest.  Rey bounced across the meadow, crying, “Finn!  Finn!” as she saw her friend standing there with the assistance of a cane next to Poe Dameron.  Rey gently hugged Finn and he grasped her tightly with his free hand. 

“Rey, this is Poe Dameron,” Finn gestured to Poe after the embrace.  Poe took Rey’s outstretched and kissed her knuckles, “Enchanted to finally meet you, Rey.”  “Poe!” Finn admonished.  Rey was blushing, having expected a handshake.

Chewbacca greeted General Organa in a massive hug and C-3PO engaged R2 in conversation as BB-8 orbited around the both of them, chirping madly.  Luke spoke softly to the group of Wookies in the greeting party.

Chewie turned to introduce Rey to his Wookie family: his wife, Mallatobuck, and his son, Lumpy.  Malla was composed and elegant, while Lumpy was an enthusiastic youth who pumped Rey’s hand in his own vigorously. 

In the background, Rey could feel the tension of Leia and Luke meeting for the first time in years.  The pressure melted with the twins embracing and exchanging softly spoken words.  Rey relaxed and let herself be taken up in the wonder of the magnificent treehouses they were heading towards.  She had never seen anything like them – some of them were on trees taller than the ruined Star Destroyers on Jakku!

There was a lot of stair climbing, but Rey was used to it, and with each step she could smell the roasting Bantha rump growing richer.  Her mouth watered at the prospect of real meat and other delicacies at the feast.

***

Lt. Mitaka of the First Order Navy had little to fear as he approached Lord Ren for he was bringing good news, “Reports just in, Sir.  The Millennium Falcon has been spotted in the Mytaranor sector of the mid rim.”

“I requested for General Hux to deliver reports on the Millennium Falcon,” Kylo Ren said without turning to look.  _For fuck’s sake_ , Dopheld thought, _why is nothing easy with this man?  I have a damn bantha rump soaking in brine and if it is not placed in the oven soon to roast at a slow temperature overnight then this year’s Life Day Feast will be ruined, utterly ruined._

“General Hux sends his apologies, Sir,” Mitaka uttered with forced calm, “but he is currently…indisposed.”

“And by indisposed I suppose you mean unwashed, unshaven, undressed, and spooning a bottle of Corellian Brandy in his bunk?”  Kylo thought, _Well, who would have thought that between the two of us on the Finalizer I would be the one with my life together?_

Lt. Mitaka blinked.

“Give it here,” Kylo barked.  Mitaka thrust the flimsies at him and was dismissed with a wave of a gloved hand.  Saluting smartly, Dopheld fled and the fabric of his jodhpurs made swishing sounds with the speed of his departure.

Kylo Ren eyed the reports, thinking of only one reason for the Millennium Falcon to be in the Mytaranor sector: Life Day on Kashyyyk.  He crushed the flimsies in his hands and they caught fire, burning to nothing but ashes in his fist.


	2. It's Not A Holiday Party Unless Someone You Hate is Going to Be There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Agony of Tarkin was a well known opera produced by the Imperial Opera Company after the destruction of the Death Star and before the fall of the Empire. General Hux has the original cast recording and has taken to listening to it obsessively since the destruction of Starkiller Base. Lt. Mitaka has a plan to get the General out of his funk. Millicent approves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Who lives, who dies, who tells your story!"
> 
> Hux is to The Agony of Tarkin as Millennials are to Hamilton.

Chapter 2

Hux had been listening repetitively to _The Agony of Tarkin_ for approximately 48 hours straight.  He would have continued in that fashion had it not been for Dopheld Mitaka.

“Sir, it is time to begin preparations for the celebration,” Mitaka said as he turned the volume down on the opera and fingered the wall for a light switch.

“Wookie Life Day is a ridiculous and unsanctioned winter solstice holiday that I do not celebrate,” Hux answered in a choked voice, “and leave the light off-” only to have Mitaka find the switch and depress it.  The moment illuminated General Hux sitting on his bunk, eyes sunken and red, dried tear tracks running down to his scruffy chin, and reeking of Corellian Brandy. 

Hux promptly vomited onto the floor between his feet.  The room filled with the smell of bile and brandy, blending with the scent of unwashed male human. 

Mitaka stood there awkwardly, lamenting the lack of a handkerchief to pass to the general once he was finished throwing up.  Hux choose to wipe his face against his sleeve.

“I was not crying,” he told Mitaka, blowing bile and mucus from his nose into the elbow of his shirt.

“Of course not, Sir,” he replied tactfully, “I brought you some Wookie Nog to help with the hangover.”

“Bah humbug,” Hux said, but accepted the drink anyway, and watched the roombot detach from its docking station to clean up the mess he left on the floor.  The roombot looked…different.  Fuck, was he hallucinating?

“Lt. Mitaka, did you attach googly eyes to the ends of twisted springs made of pipe cleaners and affix them to my roombot?”

“I did, Sir.  His name is Skittles.”  Millicent the cat had come out of her cat tree, her rump wiggling as she watched the fidgeting eyestalks of the cleaning roombot.

“You have defaced my roombot,” Hux stated.  Millicent pounced on the roombot, batting one of his googly eyes into her mouth.

“Indeed I have not, Sir.  See?  He is adorable and even Millicent approves of the improvements.”  The roombot was making plaintive beeping noises as he vainly attempted to clean the floor while Millicent tried to separate the eyestalk from the head of the bot.

“It is time to start to get ready, Sir,” Lt. Mitaka reminded him.

“It is with my deepest regret that I will not be able to make the party,” Hux informed him, putting the empty glass of Wookie Nog on his desk next to the empty bottle of Corellian Brandy.

“Well, that is a shame, Sir, considering I made my great-grandmother’s famous jellied cranberry sauce to go along with the roasted bantha rump,” Dopheld tried to entice the general with a delicacy he knew the man particularly enjoyed.  General Hux said nothing and Mitaka pressed him again, this time provoking him with ire, “Carise Sindian will be there and I am sure she will remark upon your absence, loudly and repeatedly.”

“I **_hate_** Carise Sindian,” Hux said passionately, “lording her false superiority over everyone.  The woman has the gall to think that Wookie Life Day is _a harvest festival_.  A harvest festival!  Can you imagine?  The _ignorance_ of that woman.”  Hux stood up and immediately fell against the wall for support.

“I am going to that party, now help me into the fresher, Lt.”

“Yes, Sir,” Mitaka obliged his superior with a sly smile as he helped the general walk to the fresher.

Millicent, purring, continued to bat at the roombot’s eyestalk, causing “Skittles” to beep in distress as he mopped the last of General Hux’s vomit from the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A "roombot" is the Star Wars equivalent of a Roomba. Someone please draw me Millicent "playing" with "Skittles" - it would totally make my day.


	3. Knights Errant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five Knights of Ren show up and crash Dopheld Mitaka's party.

Lt. Dopheld Mitaka’s Wookie Life Day Party was about to be ruined.  Interactions between Carise Sindian and General Hux had begun frostily enough: snide comments, clipped retorts, and Death Star-sized shade.   Relations had since devolved to flushed faces and steadily increasing vocal volume.  Tension held the room in quiet suspense as the rest of the party-goers focused on the ever narrowing point between Hux and Carise’s faces as their indignation overcame the natural propriety of personal space.

The tension was momentarily broken when the doors hissed open to suddenly reveal five Knights of Ren who were attempting to be “fashionably” late.  In the abrupt silence between Carise and Hux that followed an entirely new tension was formed as the Knights drifted into the room, black robes swishing. 

Dopheld’s party was now officially ruined.  He had no clue of the actual names of the Knights of Ren, other than “Something” Ren, but he had assigned them all monikers in his own mind.  _The Monk, the Sniper, the Rogue, the Heavy, and the Armory_ , Mitaka ticked them off his mental list as they passed him.

It was immediately apparent that the Monk was merely making an appearance as he refused the offer of Wookie Nog from the serving droid and stood with his back against the wall to observe the party goers.  At least Mitaka assumed they were all male and tried not to take offense that his roast was also being eschewed by the Monk. 

The Heavy was an altogether different matter as he piled food onto his plate, creating a pyramid of food with no regard as to what was touching what.  _That particular cheese would not pair well with that particular sauce, but no, just keep lumping it all together_ , Dopheld thought bitterly.  He had to turn away after he saw the Knight lift his helmet just enough to begin shoveling food into his mouth.

The Sniper was rummaging around in the straw dispenser, no doubt looking for straight straws, instead of the festive twirly-swirly kind Mitaka had selected for the party.  Dopheld had seen this Knight stick a straight straw through his mask to spit flimsie-balls at unsuspecting officers on the bridge.  He was not called the Sniper for nothing and the Lt. was sure he would manage to improvise with the straws provided and the pickled flower buds he had plucked from the jar.

The Rogue had taken up a festive straw and was currently sliding up to General Hux, sipping at the dwindling drink among the cubed ice loudly.  Hux would slide the Knight a dark look and move to another section of the room.  Mitaka noticed that the Rogue would eventually sidle up behind him again, each time closer than before, and slurp.  Hux would put up with it for as long as Carise Sindian was still in the room.  Dopheld knew Hux would be damned if he left the party before her and so he chose to suffer through the Knight’s attentions, eye twitching.

Dopheld had no idea where the Armory had gone and that displeased him the most.  Naturally, Kylo Ren – “Master of the Knights of Ren” – was nowhere to be seen and thus no measure of control could be imposed upon the Knights.  _Probably spending Wookie Life Day alone, like a loser_ , Mitaka thought correctly though uncharitably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Keep this ride going by commenting. Next chapter should be more Reylo...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please leave your suggestions in the comments to keep this wild ride rolling.


End file.
